Control Freak

As you can tell by the title..this passage will be about control freaks. Before I get started I just want to recommend a book to anyone and everyone who battles with their thoughts. It’s called “Get Out of Your Head” by Jennie Allen. It’s a wonderful book, and I will be referencing some of her quotes throughout this blog.

We are going to play a game. I want you to hold up your hand with all 5 fingers out as if you were about to give someone a high five. Okay let’s begin: put a finger down if you don’t care how anything ends up, you are just trusting it all works out. Put a finger down if you are such a chill person that you don’t really care if anything ever works out. Put a finger down if you would like for people to like you, but you don’t really care if they do. Put a finger down if you can just relax through each step of life because you know who holds your future and you are not worried about the outcome. I know you can’t see me, but I did not put one single finger down. While I know who holds my future, I still want him to let me in on every single detail to make sure he got my order right. I was watching a TV show last night where these couples were at a restaurant and the waitress asked them their order. As they were spitting off their very detailed orders, the waitress never once wrote it down. After the first person, they asked her if she needed to write it down with which she replied “No I’ve got it” and motioned to her head as if she has the memory of an elephant. By the time she went around to all four people, she hadn’t written down a single thing and they became worried. The two guys knew the order would not be right by the time it got to their table..and they were right. She was human. She will make mistakes. As I began to think about this scenario, it just seemed so familiar, and no I’m not talking about literally. I know all restaurants do this. However, how many times do we pray prayers that are like complicated, very detailed orders for God to follow.

“God I would like a nice job that pays well that I love. I don’t really want to work hard to get it but can I also have the weekends off and holidays paid, but I don’t really want to have to go to school for it. Also can I have coworkers who I absolutely love, and have the same morals as me. But also let me be your hands and feet. Let wherever you plant me be a mission field.” “God I would like a boyfriend who is so sweet but also kind of cool/ edgy but also really Godly but not too Godly because you know I want to look super Godly to him and if he is more Godly than me then he won’t think I am a very good Christian. I want him to love others just like you, but not too much because I might think he is flirting with other women. Oh and I want him to be super involved with church but not too much so in case I have plans he wont care to miss. Oh and of course I want him to love you with all his heart, but maybe put me first everyday or so” “God I would like to have a big group of friends please but not too big because you know I get anxious in big crowds. Also I would love for them to want to do spontaneous crazy stuff with me, but I need them to know I work all the time and I don’t have time to put in much effort to a friendship. But I want them to spend all their free time with me, you know..when I feel up to hanging out. I need them to know why I just want to be alone and respect that but also show up to my house and check up on me because they care.” You got that God? You need to write any of that down? No? Okay well just in case you didn’t get all that, I will be working really hard down here to make sure my orders get filled. Okay? You want to know the awesome part about God? 1. He never messes up and 2. He doesn’t give us what we want, but what we need. Not only do we give God orders about what we want, but we also begin to doubt God when things might not be going exactly, to the T how we have them planned. We start creating different outcomes in our heads of how everything will play out.

So often in life, we create different scenarios that could happen from one single event. While some of us think of the best possible outcomes, most of us think about the worst things that could happen. When our minds start coming up with these thoughts about what ifs and digging deep into what someone said, it creates this doubt in your mind. It makes us believe 1 of 3 lies: 1. I’m helpless 2. I’m worthless 3. I’m unloveable (These are all from the book “Get Out of Your Head”) Jennie Allen says, “The thing is, I have always believed lies. And not just believed them but built entire chapters of my life around them.” I can’t tell you how true this is of my own life.

One of the biggest problems I have is that I am terrified that when I meet someone, they will not like me. So when I meet a new person, I am already coming up with ways in my head to change their mind about me. “Okay Hailey, you met them at a BSU event, they are leading a Bible study. They really love God, so just talk to them about Jesus and they should like you.” “Okay Hailey, she may not like you because she thinks your stuck up, go and act super nice to her and compliment her outfit.” “Okay Hailey, dude thinks your weird, play it cool and just act like you don’t care.” “Okay Hailey, your BSU director just sent ‘ok’ instead of ‘okay’ she hates you. Tell her sorry for whatever you did to make her upset.” Literally y’all...this goes through my mind all the time. I know y’all are thinking “This girl is crazy” because I’m thinking it as I’m typing this out. I try to control not only my feelings and my life, but other people’s feeling about me. Jennie Allen says “No human is ever meant to be the person who fills our souls or hold in place our worth.” Read that again. I know this is so much easier said than done, but it’s so true!

My BSU director and I were having our meeting a couple weeks ago and she asked me how I was doing, in which everyone usually replies “I’m okay” whether they are or they aren’t. However, she saw through that. She said “How are you really?” And I broke down crying. I had this burden on my heart that was just making me so sad and I didn’t know why. She asked me how much sleep I was getting, which of course I wasn’t getting much at all. She told me I was exhausted and needed to get some sleep. She was so right, but I was also mentally exhausted trying to satisfy my thoughts. All of these scenarios played through my mind and they were exhausting me.

When I was a little girl, my dad would never let us go to a friends house unless it was decided at least a week in advanced. No one could just randomly show up to our house because he wanted a notice. My dad has always been a planner. He wants things planned out so he knows what to expect. While that isn’t a bad trait, it has rubbed off on me. I want things planned and I want to know what the outcome of every situation will look like so that I can mentally, emotionally and physically prepare myself. If plans got changed, I would be so upset. But that’s not the way God works. That’s not how faith works at all. Faith is like walking down a flight of stairs, only seeing the next step and believing the rest of the staircase is there.

We are in the middle of so much uncertainty right now. I worry about them making all of our classes online and none in the classroom. My mind starts coming up with ways to ensure that we wont discontinue in class lectures, no matter the cost. Or when I begin to think about BSU, I am so worried that we won’t be able to go back to New York on our mission trip, and I begin thinking of ways for us to do it even if it’s a risk. You see, once I begin to try to control a situation, it no longer is about what is best for everyone, but what is best for me. It’s no longer about “what is God’s plan” but “what does Hailey want.” Our own selfish desires. While worldly standards would not disagree with what I am doing, God’s word tells us the exact opposite. The world actually tells us to “do what is best for you” but the Bible tells us to “do everything for the glory of God.”

John 14:27 says “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

For a few weeks I have made a commitment to God that whatever happens I will learn to trust him and try to stop controlling every situation. I will trust that things may or may not go my way but He has an ultimate plan. His thoughts are higher than my thoughts. And His ways are higher than my ways. But let me tell you, for the past few weeks, since I’ve made this promise to God, the devil has been in every situation. Time after time things didn’t go as I planned. And there have been so many times that I’ve wanted to be upset and just frustrated that plans got changed. I have to continually remind myself (literally at least 50 time a day) that God loves me and wants what is best for me. He will never lead me where He won’t be. He will never put me in a situation where He doesn’t want me. So if you are that person, the person who is so scared to let go of your own future, the person who wants to see the whole staircase before committing, the person who thinks God needs our help, I encourage you to let go for a little while. To let God show you what He can do with your life if you will only let Him. He is a faithful God. He is a loving God. He knows what you need, even when you don’t realize you need it.

💜 Always,

Hailey